On Monday the 16th of May, I was Invited to the Lagos State 2nd edition of the international boy\’s Day conference at the Statehouse as a keynote speaker where I also sat on a panel with different stakeholders to enlighten people on parenting.
One of the things that struck me during that conversation was what the Controller general of prisons, the deputy commissioner of the police and other stakeholders who are in the place of correctional services shared on how we are raising the boys. I was excited in that session when other stakeholders agreed that we can no longer do what works for us in parenting. Whatever works for you no longer works in parenting, there is a template for raising children who are different.
In my paper, I gave examples of two prominent families in the American system whose parenting made a huge difference in their generation, and their generation was studied. According to the research, the difference that was found gave credence to the fact that our problem is parenting. The problem we have in our generation today is how we are raising people. Society is a product of the family. Now the question is what are we doing?
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We are not looking to raise people who are perfect; we are looking to raise people who can thrive. Parenting is not about perfection, parents need to be trained. The only way you can make a difference in your parenting is to be trained. We need to understand that when it comes to raising boys there is something that we must do.
MOTHERS EXPECT THEIR SONS TO THINK LIKE THEM This first mistake is made by mothers, as a mother, you need to realize that your boys will not think like you because boys think differently. Your son’s mind is wired differently from that of girls. This is why fathers will need to step up to the responsibility of raising boys because women are not wired like them. Boys need role models who they can look up to. Even as a single mother, you need to find male figures that can mentor your son. During the session on Monday, “the controller of prisons mentioned that majority of boys in the correctional center were boys raised by women” and it struck me. It’s been said over and again that the child who doesn’t have an involved father is more prone to prison than the one who does. This is why men need to stand up to their responsibilities. This is not only for raising boys; research has also shown that girls who are confident are girls who had involved fathers.
NOT TEACHING YOUR SONS BOUNDARIES AND RESPECT This is done by teaching them sex education, emotional control, and being explicit about consent. This is why a male role model is needed in a boy child’s life, the reason is simple there are conversations that a boy child will only be able to connect with when a male parent figure does the teaching. One of the reasons we are batting with rape cases and sexual consent is because men are not teaching it, this is not being modeled.
NOT ALLOWING YOUR BOYS TO DO DANGEROUS THINGS CAREFULLY. At the core of being a man is the ability to try out things, fail at them, and become more confident doing things. What parents of this century call suffering is normal responsibility. If your boys are going to thrive, they will need to try out things. You need to realize that the world does not revolve around your home. Do not overprotect your sons from the reality, your home is only a fraction of the world out there.
NOT ALLOWING YOUR SONS TO GO THROUGH THE CONSEQUENCES. A mother came to a school where her son sodomized another boy and was supposed to go on suspension, this mother came to the school begging that the boy’s father had beaten him mercilessly so therefore he shouldn’t go through the consequence for his action. Bailing out your sons starts with the little things like fighting for your sons in little things. This is not a curse but if you continue to bail out your son, you will continue forever even when they are a lot older. When you bail out your son you will end up raising a child who is irresponsible and can not take charge.
OVERINDULGING YOUR SONS: When you overindulge your sons you end up raising entitled children, they end up believing that acquisitions end to happiness and this sets them up to chasing the never-never satisfying chaos and this can lead to addictions and compulsions. When you overindulge your sons, you set them up to become irresponsible .
Dealing with childhood trauma is a complex but necessary process. Through therapy, you can overcome childhood trauma. You can raise happy and healthy families, be productive citizens, and have a fulfilling life.
At the Healing From Parenting Hurt session, we will be helping you with the process, so you can take your life back again. We have helped almost 1,000 parents on their healing journey.
Are you hurting? Time doesn’t change anything, it’s what we do with the time that makes a change. Enroll today and start your healing journey
To register for the Healing from Childhood Trauma Course, pay #15,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040. You can also register online https://selar.co/Healingcourse
I have heard people Abuse people who can’t leave abusive relationships ,what many don’t know is how hard it can be when you are dealing with trauma. Our childhood experiences affect our behavior and personality into adulthood even if we are not aware of the existence of this connection. Sometimes we are not even aware we living out these traumas on our loved ones.
Do you think you had a traumatic upbringing?
One of my biggest goals is to get parents to understand how they are raised, understand what they are doing to their children and how it can affect who they become eventually.
Many parents do not know that they are hurting, it is through therapy that you are able to recognize that you are going through trauma. Traumatic experiences are a big deal because people don\’t know that they are traumatized. So many of us are still hurting from our childhood and we want to numb that feeling, many times we succeed in numbing it but unfortunately, the brain doesn\’t forget, the brain cannot delete. You cannot press delete on things that your brain has been able to internalize.
Trauma is a bastard, it can mess you up and mess your entire generation up. Most parents are victims so they end up victimizing their children. Have you ever heard that an abused person will move on to abuse other people except they get healed on the journey, the mindset that parents have concerning how they treat their children portrays a victim mindset?
We don\’t realize that we are passing on our childhood trauma to our children, over the years we have realized that a lot of parents are raising children without healing from their past. So they are angry with themselves, with their spouses, they are angry with the economic situation, angry with their parents so they continually play the victim card.
We don\’t remember the first 2 to 3 years of our lives or our earliest childhood experiences that we have, but those experiences stick and continually influence us even through adulthood.
Signs of Childhood Trauma. 1. Inability to say NO to hurtful people and set limits on hurtful behavior from others. 2. Inability to say NO to your own destructive impulses 3. Inability to hear NO from others and accept that. 4. Inability to delay gratification and accomplish tasks and goals. 5. Tendency to be attracted to irresponsible and hurtful people 6. Taking responsibility for other people\’s lives 7. Ability to be easily manipulated and controlled 8. Trying to fix people 9. Struggling with intimacy and maintaining closeness with others 10. Inability to trust anyone 11. Inability to be honest with people you are close with 12. Inability to confront others and resolve issues productively 13. Experiencing life as a victim instead of living it with a sense of purpose 14. Addictions and compulsions 15. Disorganization and lack of follow-through 16. Being too timid: Children who are overprotected can lead to low self-esteem because confidence comes from competence. You grow competence by doing things yourself and getting to the point where you assert yourself.
Understanding Parenting Attachment Theory. 1. Secure Attachment: How Children are to their parents governs whether they will be well adjusted in adulthood or not so a child who has secure attachment will develop well academically, socially, and mentally and are less likely to have issues with drugs and in marriage.
2. Avoidance Attachment: Children with this attachment style are uncomfortable with closeness and even into their adulthood they will have issues forming relationships. They have difficulties being close to people.
3. Anxious Attachment: Children who are raised with an anxious attachment will crave closeness and are insecure about relationships so as adults they become clingier.
4. Disorganized Attachment: This arises from fright without solutions, this form of attachment can arise from abuse, unresolved trauma, and loss. This results in individuals who are not able to make sense of their experiences, have difficulty expressing themselves, believing in themselves, and have issues with relationships. etc
When you hear childhood trauma, what comes to mind? People say time heals everything but that isn\’t true. Time only numbs the feeling.
Experiences In Childhood That Affects The Adult We Become:
1. Parentification: Parentification acts out as becoming parents to our parents without even knowing, getting your children to play the role of parents, acting as a confidant to your parents, providing emotional support to your parents, getting pulled into arguments between your parents, mediating conflicts between your parents, giving household responsibilities that are not age-appropriate, paying bills as a child, listening to your parents\’ woes, giving advice to your parents.
2. Lack of Boundaries: When you raise your children without boundaries you might be doing them a disservice.
3. Overparenting: When you micromanage your children because of fear, you will make them take wrong decisions and become over-reliant on others, and have high expectations of other people\’s roles in their lives. They find it difficult to make choices and they have low self-esteem. 4. Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse 5. Unsupportive parents 6. Attachment style
One of the things we must begin to do is to ask questions about what happened in our early years. Studies have shown that everything we do comes from our subconscious and the subconscious mind is built from zero to ten. Experiences through your childhood shape your perception and your understanding of critical moments of your life. So over time these experiences whether negative or positive destruct the neurodevelopment, they lead to social, emotional, and cognitive impairment and ultimately they result in adapting risky behaviors.
Dealing with childhood trauma is a complex but necessary process. Through therapy, you can overcome childhood trauma. You can raise happy and healthy families, be productive citizens, and have a fulfilling life. At the Healing From Parenting Hurt session, we will be helping you with the process, so you can take your life back again. We have helped almost 1,000 parents on their healing journey.
Are you hurting? Time doesn’t change anything, it’s what we do with time that makes a change. Enroll today and start your healing journey. To register for the Healing from Childhood Trauma Course, pay #15,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040. You can also register online here: https://selar.co/Healingcourse
The age of 12 is a big transition age for children, at that age, they transition physically, mentally, and socially. If your child is not able to learn all they need to learn before they turn 13 they will struggle. Life gets bumpy for children because puberty comes in full swing and if they are not prepared, you the parent become frustrated and the child will struggle as a teenager. Life skills are learning to learn skills, these life skills are skills that can be developed intentionally and through everyday parenting.
In this blog post, we will share 12 skills that your child should have before they turn 12. You might not be ready to teach your child about life but life is not going to stop because you are not ready. Life doesn’t seek permission for readiness for exams; life gives you tests every minute of your life. You must understand that you will not be there for your child every minute of their lives because you are not babying children, you are raising adults. The moment you understand that you are raising your children for adulthood you will most likely rethink your parenting strategies.
Research has proven over and again that parenting, experiences, culture, and value systems are things that make a person. One of the questions we must ask is, do I really know what it takes to parent.”Novices do not raise geniuses. Many children go into the world unprepared for the reality of adulting, and it\’s been proven that children who do chores do better in life and are more successful in early adulthood.
12 SKILLS CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW BEFORE THEY TURN 12
1. BASIC HOUSE CHORES: Your 12-year-old must be able to do basic house chores, this is important because it\’s been proven that children who learn to do house chores as early as age 4 have higher self-esteem, high response-ability, better able to deal with frustrations and delay gratification. According to Matthew Rosemond involving children in chores as early as 3 years of age can have a positive impact later in life. The best predictor of young adult success is that they participate in household tasks as young as 4 years. The research also shows that the best results were gotten from the children who started to do these chores early. According to Harvard, children who do chores early are happier and have better mental health. The more responsible your child is, the more surge they have in their brain development because the brain needs to struggle to develop.
Part of what we teach in the Inner Circle is how to raise a child whose response-ability quotient is high, so we do this through daily activities, we also teach how to teach a system of honor and empathy.
2. BASIC TRAVEL SKILLS: Part of our webinars in the inner circle program is teaching travel skills. I understand how sensitive and unsafe the times we live in are, but fearful parenting is not the way to go, knowledge-based parenting is the way to go. Are these insecurities ever going to go away? NO! Are our children going to need to survive? YES! Basic travel skills include that your child will be able to move from one place to another and trek a distance. Spatial awareness is part of safety education.
The ability to move from one location to another using public transportation is a crucial life skill. Introduce your child to travel routines in the following ways. a. Teach them about landmarks. Let them understand that when being transported, one must be able to identify and remember locations by noting specific things at the locations (trees, buildings, road signs, etc).
b. Expose them to various means of transportation by first going along with them while to lead the way, and then going along the way while they lead the way (determine which type of means of transport to use and initiate the request, directions, and payment for them). Eventually, you can then allow them to take short trips on their own, and as you determine fit, allow them to make longer trips on their own like interstate and international travels
3. COOKING SKILLS: Cooking is very important. Part of our family values at home is that cooking is a life skill, not a gender role. I have come to realize that many parents don’t know the benefits of cooking maybe that’s why they don’t necessarily take out time to teach it. Working in the kitchen provides kids and teens opportunities to gain a sense of accomplishment. Even if the end result is not exactly what you expected, praise your kitchen helpers for their efforts.
4. TIME MANAGEMENT: The ability to manage time is an essential life skill and it can lead to productivity. First thing is to teach your child that time is limited and can be wasted. You also want them to understand that everyone has the same 24hours in a day, so it is the efficient use of that time that is important.
6. HIGH QUOTIENT FOR RESPONSE- ABILITY– This involves how to take initiative. You need to build a response-ability quotient
7. HOW TO REACT IN AN EMERGENCY: If something happens today, does your 12-year-old know how to react in that scenario?
8. How to understand what happens at the phases of DEATH, SEX, and BIRTH
9. How to take responsibility for Homework
10. How to start and sustain conversations: At the age of 12, your child should be able to start and sustain conversations, they should be able to have valuable conversations with an adult.
11. Teach Focus and Self Control: Teaching your child how to focus and have self-control comes from having schedules, structures, and strict routines.
12. PERSPECTIVE TAKING: We have a lot of adults who cannot take perspectives, they are not able to look at issues from the other person’s perspective. A lot of us were taught to be stereotyped.
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So many times people have the notion that intentional parenting involves being permissive and not being disciplined with your child but this is where they get things wrong because at the heart of intentional parenting is discipline.
In fact, without being disciplined you cannot parent intentionally. Intentional parenting centers around discipline but the real question is “Do we even understand what discipline is”. Discipline is not only good for children but also essential for their health and well-being, discipline is as vital for health even as food is vital for health.
Without discipline, children lack the necessary tools to navigate love, relationships, and challenges in life and lack self-discipline so they do not have respect for themselves and others. Discipline is about putting systems in your parenting , when you do this there are troubles that you will never have.
So What Is Discipline? Discipline is not about creating conflicts with your child or lashing out in anger when you do this you miss the essence of disciplining anyone. Discipline when done correctly is not about trying to control your child but showing them how to control their behaviors.
Discipline is not about controlling your child for doing something wrong, discipline is about setting clear parameters and consequences for breaking rules so they can learn how to discipline themselves. The aim of discipline is to be self-disciplined. When you teach discipline in the real sense of it you will not struggle but when you teach discipline in a haphazard sense you miss it.
Discipline is not screaming, beating, and yelling, discipline is teaching your children skills and getting them to practice them.
Discipline is structure, if you do not understand structure, systems, principles and routines you are not disciplined.
WHY YOUR DISCIPLINARY STRATEGY IS NOT WORKING?
You Do Not Understand Discipline:
You Do Not Understand Your Child: When you parent by assumption you do not understand that every human being is different. You need to be careful not to learn parenting from people who do not understand parenting. Intentional parenting follows a goal, unintentional parenting follows the crowd. During the “Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style Course, I taught parents that you do not discipline a kinesthetic learner the same way you discipline a visual learner. When you do this you are doing the one size fits all type of parenting. Do you understand who you are parenting?
3. You Think Yelling, Beating and Shaming Are Disciplinary Strategies: One of the reasons your disciplinary strategies are not working is because they are quick fixes. Parents who hit, tell, and threaten are lazy parents because intentional parenting takes a lot of thinking
4. You Are Always Yelling and They Are Not Learning: When you yell, you shut down the part of the brain that learns and your child cannot understand what you are saying. If there is something you want to do, it is to take out yelling and shouting from your parenting because it doesn’t serve you.
5. You Don’t Understand Strategies Used For A Child At Each Stage: Do you know that there are strategies you need at each stage of parenting, the way you raise infants is not the same way you raise toddlers or preteens. For my journey, my husband and I are always recreating our disciplinary strategies.
Start your journey into intentional parenting by joining our Inner Circle Program HERE
Effects Of Negative Discipline
They become Unhappy
They are deficient in important life skills.
They are more likely to engage in negative behavior that is harmful and potentially dangerous for themselves and others
They eventually become unhappy
They become willful, selfish, and generally unpleasant.
They will lack self-control and social skills
Effects Of The Discipline That Works
Your children are more responsible and they enjoy being good and helpful.
They are more self-confident
They are pleasant to be around
They have more self-control and self-sufficient
Their Social Skills is Top Notch
They know that they are accountable for their mistakes and misbehavior, so they are more likely to make good decisions because they want to not because they are afraid of their punishment.
Are you still thinking of joining the Yelling To Calm Challenge?It\’s just 2 days to this transformational journey.I guarantee this Challenge will change your life as a parent.
•If you are a parent that struggles with anger, you need this Challenge?
•If you have being Yelling at your children and actually get tired at some point you need to join this challenge.
•If you are looking for alternative ways to modify your child’s behaviour without shouting down everyone, you need this Challenge.
Join me for this challenge as I share with you how I walked through my own journey from being a yeller to a calm Parent.In this 5 days Challenge will give you a jumpstart on your journey to tame your temper.In 5 days, you WILL notice a change in how often you yell at your children.
OFFLINE PAYMENT Pay N7,999 to 0509494057, GTBank, The intentional Payment Academy. After payment, send your full name, and proof of payment to WhatsApp 08129687040. If I can ditch yelling, you too can. Come let’s parent with Peace and Calm.
The time to start sex educating your child is now. No child is too small for sex education. My book “Sex Educate your Child like a Pro” is a good tool for sex educating children, you can order a copy HERE.
The questions about sex education usually come as; where do I start from, what do I do and how do I go about this?
One thing about sex conversation is, that parents are going about it the wrong way. You talk about sex with your child but what is the content of what you discuss? What do they see you do? What do they hear you talk about? Our parenting system is dependent on how much knowledge we have as parents. What exactly do you know as a parent?
Parenting ignorance keeps growing and the resultant effect will scar both the child and the parent.
Spending time in parenting must be done. This is the price to be paid, and if as a parent you don’t give the time needed now, you must definitely pay it sometime in the future. It must be paid at some point in the future. It is advisable to pay this price when it doesn’t scar the child or the parent. Sex education begins with you, the parent. The bigger part is that parenting is about you. This sex education is best referred to as sex conversation because it is a continuous thing. This conversation begins with the parent. In the school of sex conversation, the faculty is you (the parent).
Our sexual attitudes are shaped by our parents, then by peer groups, social media, and teachers. Understanding your sexual personality as a parent is the first step toward sex conversation and this is because parenting is first about you. Sex conversation is bigger than pointing out the public and private parts. Many parents today are afraid of discussing sex with their children, but it is important to know that there is no vacuum in parenting. Whatever you are not teaching your child, someone or something is teaching your child. There are many factors determining how we have these conversations. Some parents are too embarrassed by sexual terms to use them and this inhibits sexual conversation in our parenting journey.
The first point of call is A. Parenting is about you • Acknowledge these fears: What are you afraid of? Sharing the conversations or the misconceptions that you have? • The sex conversation between you and your child is first non-verbal. Your beliefs, and attitudes towards sex will affect how your children view these conversations. • Do an honest review of your sex life and share the result with someone trusted or a professional as the case may be • Forgive yourself and learn how to go about these conversations • Get a family value • Get a media plan for your family. Characteristics of parent-child relationship have an impact on decision children makes as regards sex conversation. Parenting is a set of shared norms, beliefs, and practices that are institutionalized and also operate at a structured level. So as a parent, do you know who, how and what you are parenting
B. Understand your child: Your child’s level of openness, conscientiousness, planning over spontaneity, child’s emotional stability, your child’s temperament. Understand what to teach. •Understand how to teach sex conversation at different levels or age brackets. •Yelling and beating a child is not sex conversation. •Have a working media plan. Bad parenting will scar the child and parents forever. •Put a structure in your plans. It costs a lot more to repair and these scars can never be undone. •Take lessons on discipline: There is no sex conversation without appropriate discipline. Discipline is not yelling, discipline is not beating. They need to understand discipline to be able to understand sex conversation.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT IN SEX CONVERSATION.
Sex is deeply personal and a relational topic: Parents are not meant to tell their children if sex is good or bad. Share your experience of what sex is. This depends deeply on how you relate to your child. For this to be effective, you must develop a healthy relationship with your child. Have that connection with your child to be able to understand your conversation. One vital aspect of the relationship is the willingness to participate in the other person\’s world. your connection with your child determines how much they will want to learn from you and this builds trust. You cannot teach a child you are not connected with. Connection comes from spending time with your children. There is no sex conversation without trust. Trust is the currency in sex conversation. You get this by influence, not by force.
2. Having sex conversation is an act, not a science: Conversation gets more modified as age grows. Link conversation to character, spiritual truth, and understanding of who they are.
3. When asked a question, provide affirmation to ask more questions: Don’t shut them down. For instance, I am glad you asked and I know it’s a difficult thing to understand. It helps the child to open up and ask more questions. Get knowledge and inform rightly, because half-baked sex conversation is as dangerous as no sex conversation.
4. Address your misconceptions: Never tell a child all you know about sex conversation at the same time. It creates time for more connections later. If a child comes up with a question you cannot answer, don’t ever be scared of saying you don’t know.
5. Work on your emotions: Create an open environment for talking and listening. Do not react to everything your child does. Work on your ability to stay calm even in chaos.
6. Get more knowledge before your child moves to the next stage: Avoid parenting errors for responsibilities you failed to take. You are responsible for your child’s failure or success in this field. Get the knowledge your child needs for puberty, before your child is born, get the knowledge needed.
7. Ensure this conversation does not happen in a place where your child is uncomfortable.
8. Work on the dos instead of the donts: Teach the children how they can stay away from these and not just tell them not to engage. Remember, your child is first a sexual being. Assertiveness is part of sex conversation. We need to teach children to say no, which includes saying no to you as a parent. Refusal skill is part of sex conversation, tech conversation, and drug conversations are all sex conversations and these are non-touching sexual abuse and these are rampant today online where children get abused online. Create a system for those to influence your child to be available, and these parents need to create intentionally. Create a road map of who makes it to your child’s life journey.
9. Provide practical strategies for managing emotions and desires: You model to the child how to manage the skills they need. Teach them what to do and not what to do.
10.Build a connection with your child: Remove everything that will hinder your connectivity with your child, including our discipline pattern, time, and activities within the home. Yelling is a big killer of connectivity in parenting. A chronic yeller cannot have an effective sex conversation. This needs both parties to be conversing. It will be a conversation that requires feedback. Always parent from the place of connection. Spending time is a big factor and then connecting from the place of knowledge is another big factor. Parenting is not about tips and hacks, parenting is about the process. The process comes from the place of knowledge.
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In order to deal with misbehavior effectively, you must first understand why your child misbehaves. You owe it to your child.
When you see a child misbehaving, what comes to mind? For most people, they say things like ‘This child is trying me.’ This is not peculiar to anyone in particular. Every parent thinks that a child is trying them.To get a Free Copy, download it with link below.
Are you still thinking of joining the Yelling To Calm Challenge?
200+ Parents ARE ALREADY IN
Many parents desire to become calm parents but they are not willing to work through the ropes …. All they do are wishes …
They prefer the blame game , either blaming their parents who patterned them that way or blaming their children whom they are parenting .They fail to understand that parenting with calm is their responsibility.
Come 2nd of May, 2022, we will be taking these parents On a journey on working on their emotions and loving a better parenting life . Have you registered to join them? Stop wishing and get to work .
OFFLINE PAYMENT To Join the No Yelling Challenge, Pay N6,999 to 0509494057, GTBank, The Intentional Parent Academy. After payment, send your full name, and proof of payment to WhatsApp 08129687040
I will show you how I got here to parent with peace and calm at that challenge; you too can .
Yelling is a big deal in our clime, in fact it is everywhere globally. Yelling is known to be passed from parents to offspring\’s. Once you are yelled at as a child, automatically you pick up yelling and your children pick it up too and the cycle continues. Growing up, my parents never yelled and we listened to them more than the yelling parents.
Some parents believe their children do not listen except you yell at them. This is a bad narrative sold to us that is completely wrong. The more you yell, the more your child resists what you are teaching.
Yelling has other side effect both on the yelling parent and the yelled child. The bad effect to the yelling parent as :high blood pressure, artery pain, anxiety, heart attack, anger issue and a lot more on this list. My best selling book ‘from yelling to calm’ is my journey from being a yeller to a calm parent.
Yelling also has its negative effects on our children; we bring up children who are timid, children without great self esteem, the inability to stand up to an adult whether the adult is wrong or not. Most of us were instructed not to question an adult, even when the adults seem to be wrong. One of the greatest gift we can give to our children is the ability to question our actions. Yelling affects the self esteem of our children, both at home and outside, children who cannot speak up. We raise children who cannot stand up for themselves.
This low self esteem eventually follows then through out their growth process, till adulthood. However you program your child, that\’s how your child will grow. The ability of a child to stand up and say that s/he is not okay with the abuse being melted on him/her is as a result of how their parents trained them. Our training as parents will help instill confidence in our children and enable them to speak up and leave an abusive environments.
The ability to think was shut down for most of us when were growing up. Not yelling at your child does not mean permissive parenting. It only means that you can parent in a more effective way apart from yelling. One of the reasons I am actively fighting the way we were raised is that, we are intentionally and unintentionally transferring this to our children. Training is beyond yelling and beating a child. Training requires that you do the job of discipline which requires you to build a structure.
The five basic things you can do to grab your child\’s attention without yelling and :
Take the opposite tone: The harder your child’s voice becomes, the softer the tone we respond with. With this, You are teaching your child how he is supposed to be. Model the kind of conversational skill you want them to emulate. With this, the child learns by your behavior because children learn better by what you model to them. The book “from yelling to calm” shows that the angry person needs the most kind words. This helps us to take the opposite tone and the next person backs down. Soft words turns away wrath.
Calm repetition: Most times, we demand that when we speak, the child picks it instantly. But we need to implement the calm approach, which is quietly repeating what you said to the child. Repeating the same phrase as much as it needs to be. You need to make an impression for anybody to internalize a message. For anyone to learn and internalize a message, you need to make an impression, and for you to make an impression, it comes from repetition. Calm repetition can be a great tool to learn instead of yelling. When calm repetition is practised, the child will know how serious you are. Always remember that whatever you sow in your children, that is what you reap. In parenting there is seed time and harvest. There is no time frame to the harvest. So start now to sow the right seed required.
Ask questions: Instead of yelling, ask questions. When there is room for negotiation, certain phrases can turn to arguments but turned into a healthy conversation. Create a room for the child to negotiate. Use simple short calm repetitive phrases, and allow children throw in their ideas or opinion. Ask questions in short phrases to enable some kids, kinesthetic children in particular to negotiate. When you don’t have time to negotiate, ask questions.
Be positive and clear: Being clear and direct about what you require is important. When giving direction or instruction, be specific and direct. Once you yell, your child picks self defense mechanism. Instead of connecting, your child is thinking of defence. And at this time, the ability to listen is taken away from the child instantly. Some children do not hear whatever you say at the point of yelling at them. The brain looks for a way to escape from the present situation. The brain works to preserve the human being, therefore it doesn’t comprehend yelling. For instant, use your child’s name while giving instructions and it gets the child’s attention. Be more apt and specific when directing instructions. An upset child is not a listening child.
Make it fun: Sometimes you just need to diffuse the intensity of the instruction. You get your child in the position where they are able to connect. You bring in fun into the activities of the moment and this helps the child connect. Yelling is like a fire alarm. We have a Yellometer, used from ages appropriate. It alerts you the parent when raised from 7-8, when it becomes dangerous. When raising your voice becomes dangerous, it acts as a fire alarm. If you are constantly yelling, it simply means you are raising an alarm consistently. The no yelling challenge has helped a lot of parents break free from yelling
Take a break: If it feels like one of the two parties is loosing control, call a break. This is also helpful with couples, friends…call a break when it gets overboard. Self reflection is a great skill, which can also be modeled to a child. Give that time out if the conversation is going to make a mess of your head. Teach your children conversational self control by modeling it to the child. Discipline is not meant for the public places, this shows that as a parent, you don’t need to discipline your child in the public. Disciplining a child in the public is actually embarrassing the child and not to discipline the child. Disciplining a child in the public means you need to validate that you are a good parent. You do not need people to validate your parenting if you are doing what is right. Your child can be corrected properly by not making it an emergency. When you make it an emergency, you will not think through your process and you will do things you will eventually regret. It takes emotional muscle to parent calmly. Aggression does not solve the problem.
We are launching the NO YELLING CHALLENGE this year again. Fee is N15,500 , but instead of N15,500, You get to Pay N5,999 only to be part of this challenge.
This is like paying practically nothing to get access to this challenge , Want this offer?
OFFLINE PAYMENT Pay N5,999 to 0509494057, GTBank, The Intentional Parent Academy. After payment, send your full name, and proof of payment to WhatsApp +234 812 968 7040. I will show you how I got here to parent with peace and calm at that challenge; you too can .
If this question can give you a one-dollar bill each time it is asked, I would have a million-dollar bill by now, that goes to show how inquisitive tons of parents are about parenting with calm.
Sometime this week, a parent said to me in a session “Ma I think your children are different”… I laughed.
Truth is, Parenting challenges are universal, Children are the same all over the world, there is no perfect child. But I have learned over the years working with thousands of parents and being a parent myself that what makes the difference is the skill we possess and what we know.
One of the things I have learned when it comes to intentional parenting is ‘that calmness is a skill’. Yesterday I was sharing with a set of parents who lived in the U.S.A. and one of the very valid things is that calm parenting is a problem everywhere. it is not peculiar to a particular region. It is something that every single one of us is striving to achieve.
What exactly does calm mean? Calm is a sense of internal composure that lets us function to the best of our abilities. It is the ideal state of the brain supported by the body, completely aligned with it, allowing us to harness our cognitive powers while maintaining a balance with our emotions. When it comes to parenting with peace and calm, we must understand that it is generally not an easy adventure.
If you want to go on a calm journey, one of the things you must note is that when you are not calm, you are not operating with the logical brain. You are operating with the part of the brain that controls emotions and impulses. One of the best things that you can do for yourself when it comes to parenting, is the ability to have control. Take responsibility for how that part of the brain functions.
Let’s consider some things that you are doing that might be limiting your journey to calmness. Now in the inner circle our theme for this month is parenting with peace and calm. Many times, I have seen quite a several parents say that parenting with peace and calm is not possible.
What I have realized is that it is not about how our children that make us yell, what makes us yell is our inability to control our emotions. So you need to get to a point where even if you raise your voice, you decided to and you are conscious of it.
To successfully parent with calm, there are many things that you will put in perspective . Some of the things that you must consider on this journey of parenting with calm are:
Parenting with peace and calm is not parenting without discipline nor is it akin to permissive parenting: When we talk about intentional parenting, one of the errors found is that people think that we are asking them not to discipline their children so they kick against it without understanding the whole essence. Discipline aims to help your child learn, correct the process, and learn. But we find that our disciplinary process as requires that we are just doing things over and again and the habits we are trying to correct continue to grow. Parenting with peace and calm is not parenting without discipline, neither is it permissive parenting. When we say parent with peace and calm we are not saying that you should not discipline your children, nor are we saying that you should be permissive. Permissiveness is an error. Permissiveness is doing a disservice to your child.
2. Discipline aims to make a child learn not to make them afraid: When you yell, you make your child afraid. When you discipline, you teach a child. Fear is not the aim of discipline. Discipline aims to correct. My definition of negative discipline is any discipline that does not get you the desired result and then also hampers the self-concept of your child becomes negative. Negative discipline does not give the desired result and it attacks the person of your child.
3. You can raise a successful child using peace and calm parenting methods. You do not need to beat a child and yell for them to behave properly. Whoever told you that lied to you. You can achieve that by parenting with peace and calm.
4. It is easier to yell at your child than to learn the strategies to become a calm parent. This is because calmness is a skill, and peace is also a skill. Our theme of the webinar for the inner circle (join the inner circle here )this month is learning peace as a skill. You can learn the skill of keeping your environment peaceful. There are techniques and things that you can learn to be able to create a peace system. It is easier for you to yell at your child than to learn the strategies to become a calm parent. Intentional parenting is tough work, it is tougher than hitting and yelling at your child.
You can join the next cohort of the inner circle here)
It tries everything about you. If you can succeed in intentionally parenting your child, you can succeed at anything. Intentional parenting works for the whole of you. It is not just your child, it walks you and changes the whole of you. That change is tough, so it is easier for us to just give a slap than to hold your hand. Easier to scream and get away with it than to be.
5. When a child can\’t calm down, they need connection and comfort, not criticism and control. If your parenting is full of control, criticism, instructions, and yelling, there\’s something wrong with that part. What we are looking at in parenting is connection, conversations, comfort, and communication.
Calmness is a skill
6. Calmness is a skill, It\’s not something you assume. A lot of us assume calmness and that is one of the reasons we cannot get to our place of calm. Our place of calm will mean different things to all of us, but calmness is a skill and not something you assume. Many of us have the intention to parent with calm but we don\’t reach the place of parenting with calm because we assumed that calmness is something we just intend to do and it happens. If you do not build your place of calm, if you do not build strategies to achieve calmness, you will assume it an assumption is the lowest form of knowledge. Calmness is a skill, it\’s not something you assume. When it comes to parenting, intentions are good but intentions are not enough. You can have good intentions and still destroy your child because without skills and knowledge intentions can get messed up. You can love your child and still destroy your child because you lack the knowledge and you like the prerequisite skills to be able to deliver.
7. Calm parenting is not about perfection but the process. Are we teaching perfection? No way, We are teaching you the possibility. Calm parenting is not about probability. It\’s about the possibilities. So perfection is that at every point in time you are in control of the situation. The process is, that I am a work in progress, I am conscious of what is happening to me, and even when I make a mistake I can recognize that at that point, I have made a mistake and I can pick up myself. What we teach is not perfection. When your children do something wrong, we are not saying that you can apply some principles and then your children will become perfect neither are we saying that you would need to become perfect. we are saying in your imperfections you must remember that the work is in the process. It\’s a continuum. it is not a destination. The aim of calm parenting is not about reaching a goal, it is not about a destination, it is about a journey. Calm parenting is a journey, it\’s not a destination. Don’t have the mindset of running to reach a destination in parenting.
The C-A-L-M Approach To Parenting With Peace And Calm
1. C means connection. What does connection mean? Connection means conversations and communication. In many of our homes, there were barely any conversations. How do you build connections? What do you do? conversations, Many of us grew up not understanding how to have conversations, which is why many of the times I have had parents who complained to me about something and they go on, no I am talking I usually smile.
2. A means acceptance. The accepted child will accept himself. I am talking about acceptance when is it most difficult to be accepted. When that child has just stolen that money and they called you from school and they told you that your child had just badly behaved. Acceptance is difficult. Acceptance is not loving. That child that is constantly doing the wrong thing and is hitting you back to back, is what acceptance is about. When you still accept, I can be a hero to that child. No child gives upon themselves. The only child that gives up on themselves is a child whose core adult has given up on them. Every child continues to thrive provided an adult believes in them. So there is no time when you can give up on a child. Every time a child gives upon himself, it means that an adult has given up on them. In my book connect to correct, I said, do you accept your child for who he is. A lot of us are parenting the children we are trying to parent the children we don\’t have. we are not parenting the children we have. acceptance means parenting the child you have. If your child has Dyscalculia.
3. L Means Listening. For you to use the calm approach, part of the things that you would need to use is the ability to listen. Many times, one of the things that we do not have on this journey is the ability to listen. We were not listened to, we don\’t find listening to our children Important. So anytime we come to a place where we need to listen to our children, we fight it because it is not important to us. If you were not listened to as a child, you will become a parent who also doesn\’t listen to your child. The ability to listen is a big deal. You need to ask yourself do I really listen or do I just react? One of The reasons we respond the way we respond on social media when we read some things is that we don\’t internalize it. We don\’t listen, we just react and it is from our reaction that all of these things come out. If we can listen, then we will be able to connect more with a child and parent from a place of calm. Many of the times what our children are telling us, need to listen to them and not react to them. Your child is throwing a tantrum, you are not listening, and you are reacting when you are screaming back at your child. Are you listening or are you reacting?
4. M Means Mastery: You cannot master the calm approach without mastering your emotions. The concept of mastering your emotions is one of the biggest things you can do for yourself in your parenting journey. How much of your emotions have you been able to master? Have I mastered my emotions? What are my triggers? What are the things that I have been able to put together? Mastery helps you to plan. Mastering your emotions, helped you to look at the triggers and mitigate them. Part of mastery is that when you are looking at things coming, how much have you been able to input and mitigate that thing that will happen? The holiday is a trigger but the question is how much of that trigger have you been able to prepare for. Mastery gives you the ability to look at those triggers and then put it together and say, this is what might happen, let me prepare and structure. that is where structure comes in. The more structure you build around your parenting system, the more you can put a lot of things in perspective. Mastery gives you the ability to think. Mastery gives you the ability to understand who you are emotional. Mastery gives you the ability to be responsible for your triggers.
Part of my triggers is a place that is scattered. For every time, where it is a holiday or a chaotic period comes, I put together a system that will help me to get such an occasion even if it is going to come up and if it comes up, I also put together an approach that will help me to be able to take responsibility for my emotions.
Part of what we are going to be doing at the ‘no yelling challenge’ that comes up in May is teaching you how to use the step-by-step guide of the calm approach.
When you join this cohort of the no yelling challenges, you will learn about the calm system and all of the rules and things you need to learn for the calm system to become successful. One of the things you must learn is that this is a skill. Calm is a skill and if you are going to remain calm then you are going to start learning the skills that will keep you calm. One of the things I have also found is that many of the times we are struggling with calm because of the things that have happened either to us or to people or the things that happen in our childhood.
Our upcoming challenge No Yelling Challenge is an awesome place to start your journey to calm parenting. I will show you practical tools and strategies on exactly how you can quit yelling for good, you will forever cherish you got into this challenge.You can join the waitlist so you can be informed with early bird registration begin: https://bit.ly/Noyellingwaitlist
I am committed to leading you to parent with peace and calm.
Now the question is, Is it even possible to stay calm in the face of a misbehaving child? How do you not lose it? In recent times, globally there has been a lot of rancor about people not being able to manage their emotions. I realized that this is the same thing that happened when we start to parent. Parenting is an emotional journey, It takes you to the point where you\’re very frustrated with some of these misbehaviors.
Staying calm in the face of chaos is a skill, it is not a prayer point. A lot of religious people will fight it but trust me it\’s a skill that you need to learn.
Like I always tell the parents in the inner circle, you can join the inner circle here, “miracles don\’t come from just believing, Miracles come from doing and that is why it says that faith without works is dead. What exactly are you doing? that is the question. Somebody reached out to me today and said she had to hit her child and there was blood all over. She said, “I felt bad however, I can\’t help myself”. she said she has prayed about it but it\’s not working. No, you haven\’t done what you\’re supposed to do.
When people tell me, I want to really parent with calm, what I get is, “I am wishing it, I am not ready to work it”. Many times, we are just in a place where we are wishing to win. We are not in the place where we are putting in the work. And until you get to that point where you tell yourself that this is work that needs to be done, then nothing really changes. So parenting with peace and calm is a skill. Can you look at your child who is misbehaving and stay calm? How possible is that? Yes extremely possible.
However, you cannot do it without the right set of skills. The parents in the inner circle would say before I joined the inner circle, some of the things that the coach share on Tuesday live, I used to think she was kidding us, but by the time I spent a few weeks to months, I have come to realize that there are things you need to do. There is a practice, there is what to do. The question is, are you really doing what it takes?
When a child is acting out, it could mean that the child is lost, afraid, in need of guidance, is seeking attention or the child lacks skill.
When we fight our children for doing things they do without teaching them any other way to do it, we are actually doing it the wrong way. So, the first thing you want to ask when a child is misbehaving is, why is my child misbehaving? Is my child is lost? He doesn’t know what to do? Is he afraid? He doesn\’t know how to react in these circumstances? He needs me to help and guide him? Is he seeking my attention? Does he lack the possible skills that I am actually requesting from him to actually behave in that certain way?
Capacity is a big deal and that is one of the things that we must put in perspective when we are raising our children. Your child acting out doesn’t mean that he is a bad child. A misbehaving child is not a bad child. There is no such thing as a bad child. We need to get this and we need to actually internalize it. A misbehaving child is not a bad child. it is just because the child is still learning, the child is still growing. So, misbehavior is part of the process. If your child doesn\’t misbehave, how do you know what you\’re teaching? The misbehavior points the parent in the direction to go in directing the child.
Over the years, after getting into helping parents and children walk through the systems of parenting, I have come to realize that it is just us. When a child misbehaves and many of the times we resort to screaming out, this isn\’t the solution.
You cannot just wake up and decide that I am not going to yell again, I am not going to hit the child again, and then it happens. No. it is not going to happen that way. Because you have a template in your system that has been sold to you. You are operating based on what you know. You are a product of your experience and a product of your knowledge. You\’re going to react to issues according to what you know. You\’re going to react to issues where your experience is stopped. You\’re going to react to issues where your knowledge particularly stopped.
What are the things that you can do, what are the things you need to understand when we talk about staying calm in the face of chaos being a skill? What must you understand as a parent to help you stay calm?
Discipline Is Not An Emergency: I am sure a few people like the parents in the academy (you can join the academy here ) must have heard me say that discipline is not an emergency. Well, they were privileged to review my book, the discipline that works in the academy and I remember re-emphasizing that discipline is not an emergency. What makes discipline an emergency most of the time for you is, what the next person will think, and what if I don\’t address this thing now and my child becomes useless tomorrow?
Discipline is not an emergency, provided your child is safe you must understand that everything is not about violence. When you make discipline and emergency, you actually take away the essence to be able to help your child at that moment. So being able to help your child in the face of misbehavior, is one of the things that you must put at the back of your mind. The aim is not to punish a child for misbehaving, the aim is to teach a child how to behave better. The aim of discipline is not to punish, so you need to learn to take a moment to pause. Plan how you would respond is very important.
When a child is misbehaving, one of the first things that you need to look out for is, how am I going to respond? What am I going to do? So when you fail to pause, you find yourself reacting or having to double your efforts to reconnect. When you choose to pause, you may believe that you\’re doing nothing but trust me, the power of that initial nothing, is the road to a karma response and an emotionally responsible child. Remember that the aim is to raise a child who will become emotionally responsible afterward. Is your child emotionally responsible? How can a child be emotionally responsible if you are not emotionally responsible? So that is the main thing. You need to show your ability to respond emotionally to actually be able to help your child. So while you are pausing, you can ask the following questions to help you; ● What guidance can I offer my child? ● How can we both benefit from this moment? ● How does my child need to get back on track or what can I do to help my child to get back on track?
2.Believe That Your Child Can Do Better: There is something that we call self-fulfilling prophecies, you need to be careful what you say in the face of misbehavior. Many of the times I have found that when a child is misbehaving, that is when parents go off, they say all sorts of things, that is when you lose it. that is when they just go crazy. Do you have faith enough, that no matter how many mistakes your child makes, he\’s worthy of learning from your guidance? That is the first thing you need to tell yourself. No matter how many mistakes my child will be making, I am sure that my child will benefit from my guidance. Do you believe your guidance will work? When children misbehave, it is usually because they are stuck. So, when misbehavior shows up is because your child doesn\’t know any other way of letting you know that they are afraid, that they are hurting, that they are upset. Let your child know you believe they can do better. So instead of a child who is misbehaving, you saying “I know that you will never ever listen to me”, instead of saying that why not say” I know that you can do better and I know that if you actually take these things the way I say it, you will be able to change a lot of things”. Be careful of what you say in the face of misbehavior. “My child is always stealing, lying…all of those things are key to our process.
3. Build skills: An unskilled child will frustrate you, there are seven essential life skills that you need to build in your child to actually be able to tackle these behaviors. Without building those skills your child will continually make those errors and it will not be a result of the child being a bad child. It will just be a result of a parent who is ignorant of what to do. So you need to incorporate these skills into your daily routines. Part of what we do in the inner circle is to help you incorporate some of these skills that we are sharing with you right in our daily routine. We have what we call the connection calendar and inside that connection calendar, it is a curriculum that has been built in a way that all of these seven skills I am gonna be sharing with you are actually being practiced every day. (You can join the inner circle here)
●Focus and self-control. Children thrive on schedules, habits, and routines. Any child that you put unpredictability in their system, you are going to “kill them” because that is how people thrive. Children thrive in predictability. Predictability is a key skill in your parenting. So focus and self-control in one of those conversations in the inner circle. We shared how to teach your child self-regulation which is part of its focus on self-control.
● Perspective-taking: Thinking about another point of view. A lot of the time because of the way we are raising our children, they cannot learn because we parent in such a way that we are focused on just how a straightway. there is no other thing to actually help our children think again. So perspective-taking is a skill but our parents and our daily routine don\’t give our children the opportunity to thrive or get this skill. So what does perspective-taking do: it helps you to see another point of view, to have meaningful conversations. Your children will never learn perspective thinking if you\’re parenting that way because your child learns all of these things. These things are not learned in school. They are learned in the home and we must understand that.
● Communication: Communication is one skill that you need to teach your child to be able to avoid all these misbehaviors. I have found that a lot of homes are about criticism, instructions, controls, and judgment, yellings, there are no conversations, there are no connections, there are no collaborations. If your home lacked these three C\’s your home is in trouble. Stand up today, connection, communication, collaboration. These are the three C’s on communication, and that is why intentional parenting, one of our core is connection. Connection is a key tool for us. How do we actually teach our children communication? I found that many of us cannot have valuable communication because we were not taught communication at home. There was never communication. that is why when I see how people argue online, the moment There is a diverse opinion, so perspective-taking is why a lot of us do not have that skill of being able to look at things from another person\’s perspective and this is also part of the conversion processes. But we are not taught conversations at home. ● Critical Thinking Skills: Many of our children cannot think? The only thing that we do is that we teach our children how to pass exams and that is not parenting. When all your child does is to be able to go and just pass the exam they can\’t think through their process. There is something wrong with that parenting. ● Resilience: Resilience is a very key skill in our parenting journey. Resilience is our ability to build the adversity quotient. Do you know why in Nigeria we use the quote this life is no balance? The reason is simple, while some people can be very resilient in the face of adversity, some can. that is it and that is why there is no balance. So if your child will learn to work, if you would learn to teach a child how to improve the adversity quotient then you\’re going to have a child with very minimal misbehaviors. So ability to build adversity quotient. Taking on challenges. I was sharing with the parents in the inner circle, one of those days and I said to them that struggling is part of learning.
4. Allow your children to struggle. A child who does not learn how to struggle is bound to fail. Allow your child to struggle. The struggle is a gift. We call it the gift of struggle. Your child is falling. You are constantly helping your child come up. The gift of struggle is a big deal. You need to teach your child that struggle is nothing but instead of allowing them to struggle, I see a lot of parents, your child does something, you jump up and down you, take the kid, you beat the child but yet your child can\’t struggle. Your child does or does not have all of these skills that we are reading here.
● Self-Directness: Our children must be self-directed and engage in learning. Many of our children are not self-directed. We are still the ones directing them. we are still the ones telling them what to do. we are still the ones putting everything together. it is still us. we are still the ones trying to do everything for them. There is no self-direction because we are parenting in such a way that everything is about us. You can\’t let your child have to make decisions, you cannot allow them to put things in place. Everything is about you. You\’re constantly making decisions for your children. There is something wrong with that. So you need to understand that part of your parenting and also deal with it.
● Engaged learning: Engaged learning is another concept many of our children don\’t know how to learn. All we do is that we are raising children who just pass exams. The moment they are done with school, they don\’t want to learn. That is why a lot of us also are not interested in learning. We have all gone to school and some of us made 2:1, 1:1 and some of them made different kinds of grades in classes but we come out and we are not interested in learning. The joy of learning is not there. You were not taught that learning is a skill. If your child learns the skill of learning, you are on your way to minimizing misbehaviors. There are learning skills and without them, your child will continue to struggle these skills can be developed through intentional activities, which is one of the key things that we do in the inner circle.
4. Build on your emotions and quit yelling: Now in the month of April in the academy, we are going to be facing yelling, where we are going to be introducing our no yelling challenge and we are going to be talking about yelling a lot. (Join our waitlist here for the no yelling challenge so you are informed when early-bird registration starts)
One of the things that a lot of parents do not understand is that yelling can actually shut down the brain of a child and stop them from learning. So you need to understand that you need to work on your emotions. Now we say, stay calm in the face of chaos, but the truth of the matter is that, if you cannot control your emotions, you would not be able to actually give this calmness that we are talking about, you can\’t do it and again it is not a prayer point. it is a knowledge point. Take it from me. You need knowledge to actually be able to practice this particular skill. I have been there where I thought it was prayer and trust me you need to actually walkthrough.
Do you want to join the next cohort of Parents in the INNER CIRCLE PROGRAM? We are having an upward Fee Review this year but those who already booked slots for the inner circle program NOW won’t be affected.
The current annual Fee is 50,000/annum for now but reviewed Fee would be more ( not concluded yet) Book here: https://selar.co/tipinnercircle The booking Fee is N5,000 Only
One of the problems I have seen as regards learning is parents thinking it is the responsibility of the school to do everything for their child to succeed. When you dig deeper you find out that the school is just a part of the success story of your child.
A classroom is a place of learning, no doubt, but you must understand that learning starts from the home first. So, if your child is not learning at home, your child will struggle with learning in school as well.
I remember vividly, this particular classmate of mine in primary school who is also a member of our Facebook community. I remember him sharing a story in our community on how he was named dumb and people like me were named smart, that post made me so sad even if on the contrary to should have made me happy ; because it was all about praises for me, but I was really sad when I read that post because I realized how much a lot of children were destroyed. The advantage that this guy had was that he had parents who understood learning disabilities and boom they provided early intervention to him.
While the teachers in our primary school felt that this guy wwas dumb, the teachers at home who are his parents, decided that their child wasn’t dumb but smart and today their involvement has payed off. That same guy who was called dumb now teaches in one of the best Universities in the UK, He is also a Ph.D. holder.
Whenever I recap on this story, it beats me how a lot of people have been destroyed as a result of ignorance.
“What will be your child\’s parenting advantage?
To enhance your Child’s learning ability, you need to ask these questions : •Are the settings in my home, giving my children the opportunity to thrive? •What parenting advantage do my children have by having me as their parent? I ask this question a lot of the time to the parents in the Inner Circle (You can join the inner circle program here)
I learned quite lessons from my dad, I Several learned public speaking from my dad, to the point that when I needed to practice public speaking in my days in the USAID, I remember vividly that I didn\’t need to do much. People just felt I was too good. No I just had a parenting advantage and that was it.
What would be your Child’s parenting advantage?
Last Tuesday, I said that what you know is what is going to determine how far your child will go. So the question is what do you know?
The ability to learn is learned. Individual personality, learning style, temperament plays a big part in your child\’s willingness to learn and their overall disposition when it comes to schooling and education. So you need to understand that your child\’s ability to learn will be a determining factor to your child\’s personality, your child\’s temperament and your child\’s learning style.
We are going to be looking at the strategy that can help you enhance your child\’s motivation to learn and you will see them discover the joy of learning.These strategies that you would need to help enhance your child\’s motivation to learn are:
Develop an atmosphere of reading: Reading is key to success. People have argued that reading itself is key to an overall success of the human being. I have also argued that reading is key to success in learning. Children who develop love for reading will naturally develop love for learning. Children who struggle with reading will naturally struggle with learning. Now a lot of people think that the only thing that children get when they read is that they develop rich vocabulary. Some people say oh it just makes them speak well, this is a good thing but it is one of the things that reading does but beyond that, reading actually helps your child\’s brain to learn how to process concepts and formal communication.
Reading helps your child process concepts and without the ability to process concepts your child will not be able to learn.The ability to process concept for any human being is actually what gives them the eventual joy of learning.
In the inner circle program, one of the key things we do is to read. You can join the inner circle here. A parent reached out to me recently and said that she has never bought a book for the child before that is not an academic book. That worried me because,how do you want your child to learn if you do not develop an atmosphere of reading? When you teach your child how to develop the ability to learn on the concepts. Formal communication reading and a lot of the things that your children should do. How do you achieve this environment? How do you achieve this atmosphere to create the environment that keeps trying to learn? Your children should not be forced to learn. If you are forcing your children to learn, there is something wrong with the system that you are currently using and you need to undo that, because you are going to create yet another generation who do not want to learn and just pass exams.
2. Buy books: A lot of parents come back to me and say coach I have been buying books my children have been tearing the books. Are you guys kidding? Most times I ask these parents, the designer bag you bought 500k, 1,000000, have you carried it forever? At some point you tossed it at one side and then you continued, but yet something as valuable as books, we find it difficult. Our value system is skewed to one side. I keep saying that if we cannot even buy books to read ourselves, if we cannot even exemplify the joy of learning, how do we want our children to learn? I have asked this question over and again. I mean that is actually the truth. Priorities, we need to begin to set our priorities. See the moment you become a parent, your priorities changes and you must understand that priorities. Somebody once told me that all these books that we have in my house are we planning to open a library? I said yes we are. The number of books that is currently in my home that we have bought over the years. Sometimes we have had book budgets that we have spent. I am not even going to put out what it is that we budget on books on a monthly basis. If you can\’t exemplify the joy in learning, how do we get our children to read? What are you reading? How are you doing these things? Buy books. Leave that asoebi you are supposed to sow.
3. Create family reading time: Is there a time in your home where you actually read. For our home, reading books are a priority. People have argued to say that we both come from families where our parents were teachers. I agree that is an advantage but you can create a system like that. Growing up I read everything Chinua Achebe wrote. Everything. I walked the streets of everywhere in the world even before I stepped my foot in those places .I knew how the parts of the world looked. It was exciting. My experience about the world was enlarged in books. When I said that the skills your children will need to thrive in the 21st century is not on the screen, people argue; there are things it is not on the screen, argue from now to tomorrow, you can\’t find it on the screen. Create a family reading time as the children are reading, you are reading? What are you reading?
The parents in the academy already understand that you carry your book, your children carry their book. You also have books and you read. Be a model. Be an example of reading by filling your home with reading materials. Let there be books. Let there be magazines. when my children come back, one of the things I excite them is a family reading plan. There is a time like 30 minutes. It is really in time and it is one hour. They are excited. They look forward to it. Sometimes we are reading and then from reading we get into gist and everybody talks about what it is that they are reading and tells the story and all of that. My children spend just for everything that they get that is a budget. So, how many books they would buy with it. So, how many books can we buy with it? Very important. Be a model. Be an example of that reading. Create an atmosphere that shows how important reading is.
4.Create an atmosphere that shows how important reading is: Is reading a second thought or is reading just something that comes after every other thing has happened? We have done this, we have done that. I remember one time, we traveled and we got to the airport and there were two boxes full of books and the person that was checking in said books, you guys came to shop for books? Yes, we actually came to shop for books. You want to be able to actually give your children access to the world and books gives you that real access to the thoughts of men. I like the way that my pastor said, wisdom is in the things that others know that you do not know. That is what wisdom is wisdom is not in what you know. You are limited by yourself. And I said last week that when you parent by yourself, you will be limited, when you parent by knowledge, you are limitless. One thing about developing a lifelong learning if not making it fun delivering a lifelong learner is to make it fun and not frustrating. A child who sees learning as fun will naturally develop the joy of learning. I see some parents, their disciplinary strategy is go upstairs and read and I am wondering really?
5.Allow your child to have control of their own learning experiences. The more control and input you are able to provide the child with respect to their learning environment, activities and stuff, the more engaged and motivated the child will become to learn. Your child will only learn to the extent that you actually are able to give them control of their own learning experiences. How are you giving the child control? How do you even begin to give your child control? Do they understand how they learn? That will help your child create an experience that they love. It is not just about you, it is also about your child. How engaged are the things that you are also sharing? How engaging are they? These are the things that will motivate your child to actually learn.
6. Introduce and encourage different learning styles for your child: The problem is, do we even know the different learning styles? If your child cannot learn using the different learning styles, your child will struggle with learning. Now, how do you even begin to do that? How you can do that, it is simply by helping your child understand their learning preferences and style. Because until you do that, you cannot teach your child how to learn with using other learning preferences. So you need to understand that is very important. So we all have that learning style that is dominant and then we have this learning style that is a mix, but the truth of the matter is that, if you want to help your child, you need to start by helping them discover how to learn. The moment my son learned how he learned, he became a superstar. As in, it was just boom, glaring and if you take your child how to learn, if you help your child understand how they learn, it becomes easy for your child to assimilate concepts. And when it comes to learning style and dominance, you start from the dominant learning style. I was sharing with the parents in the inner circle and I said that my children are very good with my maths. They don\’t use calculators. I remember sharing this because there was a conversation on a particular tool of the day that we are given to do.
7. Use game-based learning: Now, using games-based learning as an education tool that provides opportunity for deeper learning and develop non-cognitive skills. It helps to motivate your child to learn also. One of the tools that we used for our son to actually understand the skill of learning is using game based learning. So, game-based learning was one of the things we do. What kind of games did we use? We use games like scrabble, we use games like chess, and we use games like Lego pieces. So different kind of games but these games will be dependent on the kind of learning style your child has. So, if you have a child who is an auditory learner, and you do a lot of Legos, your child might actually not be able to get the game based learning styles and assets to actually learn through it. So, you need to understand who your child is first before you can use this strategy. So, you can see that everything rises and falls on how your child learns and who they are.
This can sound overwhelming but it is like something you are intentional. You understand that it is something that is on the go. So, what are we what we do in the inner circle program is to share daily tools that help children learn daily without really knowing that they are learning. For instance today, we are doing a treasure hunt. Hunt the children are going to be learning a lot about patients, about focus, about a lot of things but yet they are not reading. The parents are not overwhelmed with sit down, I need to teach you but the children are learning. So when you make every day a teachable and a learnable moment it changes the tides for your child. So, when we are out, we with the twins, many of the times, we pass somewhere and we say, so what do you think about this and all of that and then there is a twist. Learning starts to happen. so learning is every minute, every second, every moment we are learning.
Are you still thinking of taking the course on \”Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style\”? It is just 2 days to this course that has transformed the learning and discipline experience of hundreds of children whose parents have joined this course in the past cohorts. Have you wondered what would be your learning outcome from this course, swipe to see our reviewed curriculum for this cohort 🔥🔥🔥🔥. This curriculum alone is on fire.
Come the 28th of March, 2022, We will be taking over 300 parents on this Course to “Understanding their Child’s Learning Style.
To register for the Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style course, pay #10,500 instead of #20,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). ( This offer ends today ) The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040.
Today\’s blog post is one that I am particularly excited about. So buckle up your seatbelts because you are in for a ride.
Understanding yourself as a parent is one of the first prerequisites for effective parenting but let’s start by answering these questions:
•Did you get married with the intent of, \’I have just reached the age of marriage so having kids is the next step. •Were you prepared to have a child? • Did you ask the right questions before you started having children? I guess not many of you will answer yes to these questions.
One of the things that I have come to realize is that many people were never prepared to become parents rather they all stumbled on parenting, they just became parents. So I can say that parenting happened to many of us.
I started my parenting journey looking for solutions and when I found the solution I realized that so many parents were also like me struggling to do things differently.
Many of us were on that table, where we started parenting without any inkling of what to expect. We do not even understand who we were. Understanding who you are as a parent is a big deal for effective parenting.
The question is, who are you? Are you able to answer this question. When we ask this question many people will typically answer that “I am a medical doctor, I am a teacher” But that\’s not who they are. The question of who you are is a very key and valid question that every single one of us must answer before we become parents.
The major problem we have today is that we do not even understand why we became parents in the first place. We are not aware of why we needed to be parents. We just became parents because it was time. So as a parent, one of the things I have found is the place of being able to see, to understand why you are doing what you are doing. Until you understand you are why you will keep going back and forth on your journey.
So I am asking you today again, Why did you become a parent? Forget about the why before you read this post, think about the why after you\’ve read this post. What would be your why? What would be that thing that would jolt you back to reality to be able to put things in perspective?
One of the reasons why children are born in the world is because we are to co-create with God. I heard one of my mentors say that “when there\’s a problem in the world, a child is sent for impact. If we do not understand that part of why we became parents is to co-create with God, then we will also miss the essence of being parents and that starts from where we begin to understand ourselves. How much do you know about yourself?
As parents, one of the things that happened is that we repeat what we know best. And most often than not, what we know best is from our experiences. What we know best is from the integral part of our values, our belief system, and the things that we hold through to parenting. These are all going to come from our experiences.
According to science, we all make inferences from our subconscious and our subconscious is formed between ages 0 to 7. Everything that happened to you while you were being parented is who you became and the lack of understanding of who you are is what drives us to do things against our better judgement.
There is no parenting without you understanding where you come from. What are the areas that we need to look at when it comes to understanding ourselves better? What are the things that we must understand to become better parents? You cannot become a better parent without understanding a lot of the things that happened to you as a child? We can only parent better to the degree of what we know about our past, our emotional defenses, and our psychological struggles. This will determine how much we are creating a smoother or a more rugged road in raising our children.
“Your past, your experiences, your emotional defenses, your psychological struggles, are determining factors for how you will parent better today. “
Your past, your experiences, your emotional defenses, your psychological struggles, are determining factors for how you will parent better today.
What are the things that you would need to look at or you will need to find that you need to put together in perspective when it comes to parenting your children better?
Self-Awareness on Parenting Ideologies: a. Where do your ideas on parenting come from? That\’s the first question you want to ask yourself today. They come from how you were raised, they come from who you became, the past, where are they coming from?
Many of the times, I say over and again that in parenting the reason we are to question the things that the previous generation has done isn\’t to discredit the previous generation. It is to help us credit a better system for the generation to come. If we cannot question what was done to us, then we cannot become better as a people. So your ability to question the parenting ideologies that you already know is coming from the place of self-awareness. When you become self-aware, when you are on a journey to understand yourself, it gives you leverage over a whole lot of other things that you think that you know.
Other Self Awareness Questions: b. Where do your expectations about children come from? c. What would I like to change about my parenting today? d. What does my child need from me today as a parent that is different from what I needed from my parents? e. Is it possible that I am parenting a different kind of child from the child that I was to my parents?
2. My personality and my temperament: This is another part of you that you want to understand as a parent to be able to effectively parent your child. What are your personality and Temperament? Temperament is one of the most powerful influences in your life, however, temperament is not destiny, but for you to make progress you need to understand that about yourself. The more you understand who you are, the more you can make changes that are required in different aspects of your life to become a better person. Have you been able to find out if you are tended towards being melancholic, choleric , sanguine, or phlegmatic in your behavior?
Currently, in level one in the inner circle, we are reading, why you act the way you do. There is so much to why you act the way you act. You can book a slot to join the inner circle program here
Have you ever questioned yourself, why do I act this way because this is going to affect the kind of parent that you eventually would become or you eventually are because now we are talking to parents and not people who want to become parents? Your personality is a very big deal. Do you know that who you have become, how you learn, your temperament will affect how you raise children?
Do you also know that who your parents were their temperament, their personality affected how they raised you? There’s something that we call the parenting advantage. So if your parents worked on becoming a better version of themselves, you probably had a parenting advantage over the next person. Parenting advantage can put you in a better place than your mates, just because you had forward-thinking parents. Now the question is, what parenting advantage will you give your children because you were their parent?
3. Learning Style: One of the biggest struggles I see parents have is not understanding how their children learn, but beyond that understanding how they learn. Many of us do not know how we learn. We do not know whether we are kinesthetic, Auditory, or Visual learners. One of the things that happens in our learning style class is that, parents come to that class to first understand themselves and when they get into that class they are humbled. They understand why what happened to them academically in school even happened to them in the first place. They begin to understand where a lot of things happened to them in the past. They begin to understand why some of them were called an olodo. They begin to understand that they probably were kind of such learners and they didn\’t find the space where they could learn from their environment and of course, they ended up not learning. So one of the biggest challenges we have is not even that we do not understand who we are parenting, its that we do not understand who we are, to be able to parent who we are parenting. So you are teaching your child from your style of the learning. You do not even know what their style of learning style is, so you can really make so much impact and progress.
When we talk about the learning style course, we talk about how you understand, how it has helped other people become better and all of that. If you want to enroll for the understanding your child\’s learning style Course, you might want to jump on it now because the second early birds offer ends shortly. The first early bird offer is over. The second early bird offer is 10 500 instead of 20 500. You can grab this time limited offer by clicking this link 👉 https://selar.co/learningstylecourse
4.Emotional Awareness: You need to understand who you are emotionally. A lot of us do not know how to handle emotions in any way. How are you aware? What are you aware of when it comes to emotions? Do you know how you react to incidences? Do you know your emotional triggers? Part of what we did in the course we did last month “ Becoming an emotionally intelligent parent “ is for parents who understand who they are emotionally. A lot of us do not understand who we are emotionally, we are just parenting. we are just going along and just moving. Who are you emotionally? Do you know your emotional triggers? Do you know how you respond to different kind of emotions?
5. Your development and attachment style: There are different types of attachment but the one that is at the forefront is the secure attachment style, that\’s the best. That\’s the one that we advocate for. There\’s the avoidance attachment style and insecure attachment style, there are about four to five of them. Many of us do not understand the kind of attachment style that we had. We shared this extensively in our course becoming an emotionally intelligent parent and I shared in that course how your attachment style affects how you parent your children.
Are you still thinking of taking the course on \”Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style\”? 200+ parents are already onboard💃💃💃
In this course, You will learn how to eliminate screams at assignment times and home learning times and teach your child study skills by understanding how my child learns better.
Come 28th of March, 2022, I will be taking 200+ parents on this journey to Understanding How children learn.
To register for the Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style course, pay #10,500 instead of #20,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). ( This offer ends by tomorrow) The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040.
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